I have to say, last season was pretty disappointing for me. Ben Higgins was literally the most white-bred tragedy, and despite his hotness I was just angry at the end of the season. Congratulations, Ben. You turned away the witty redheaded Emma Stone knockoff in the first episode and wound up with walking piece of Wonder Bread with tits Lauren B. Jojo was the frontrunner, and although it literally pains me to watch her because she's that pretty, thin, and has the most even tan I've actually ever seen, I'm happy she's back. Monday night I cozied up with my favorite bottle of red and picked out my favorites thus far, and my um... not so favorites. Leggo. (I'm only writing about the ones I remembered enough to write about. I don't owe these men ANYTHING.)
Alex: Alex is part soldier, part Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He's literally two feet tall, but he has a stellar smile and seems like he's here "for the right reasons". (Guys, this is what they say when they wanna know if someone is here for love and not just for fame, to get in Jojo's pants, to meet Nick V. because he inevitably will come back, etc.). I could definitely see him going Shawn Booth a la Kaitlyn Bristowe's season and being a little jealous of the other mean, particularly those taller than him, so like everyone. Extra points if also like Shawn Booth he later refers to one of them as "the other guy".
Ali: Ali did a creepy little wave when he got out of the limo like he just saw the prettiest girl in the seventh grade. Also like a seventh grade boy, he def had a wet dream later. Jojo is hot, but she's not going to want a guy without swagger, so Ali best step it the eff up and channel his inner Don Draper is he wants to stay in this game.
Robby: Robby got out of the limo and gave her wine. He will be in it for a long time. To me, being here for the right reasons means being here to drink wine, so Robby is right on the money. He also sported a well-fitted suit and seemed like a huge douchebag, so Jojo is gonna be super into that. **Another reason I love Jojo is because she's definitely a lush and her mom drinks out of the bottle-- my mom drank out of a box. We are essentially the same person.**
Wells: This guy could go all the way. His smiley little boy face reminds me of this mobile developer I dated once, so it's hard to like him but I'm really trying. I wasn't sure what to think of him when his contestant photo featured him in a denim jacket with pins all over it, but he stepped it up that first night by not being creepy and getting All 4 One to serenade Jojo. "Wells played", sweet Wells.
Jordan Rodgers: She's from Texas and Jordan is part of a football dynasty. DUH he might as well just hoard all the roses and have a sleepover with Neil Lane where they look at Jojo's pinterest page. But really he's v handsome, knows how to dress and gives me feels in all the lady parts.
Christian: Christian is a family man and a beautiful mixed butterfly. He had to face adversity growing up because obvs racism, and wound up to be very cute and smiley and happy. I think Jojo is really going to empathize with him which will bring them closer together. I literally know nothing about him aside from his life story, so I'm hoping he'll flip a table or jump into the pool or try to break up a fight that will inevitably ensue in the house to become a little more interesting in reality tv terms.
Derek: Derek looks like John Krasinski.
Evan: Evan is my favorite, bar none. He's an erectile dysfunction specialist or some shit, so that shows he's very caring. He got offended when Daniel obnoxiously poked him in his belly button because DUH, that's annoying. I appreciate his little side quips, and while he obviously isn't going anywhere near the final rose, I'm really hoping a producer is smart enough to keep him around.
Luke: He's definitely going far, but he's got a murdery face. J saying.
Nick B: I said it before the first episode when I saw his picture and realized he kind of looked like Randy Quaid-- Nick B is a dark horse in this competition. He showed up in a fucking Santa suit and Jojo loved creepily sitting on his lap. ABC was smart enough to recycle the clip of him saying "Jojojo!" in lieu of "hohoho!", which was brill, and aside from that he just seems nice. The first episode always bothers me because it's kind of like the audition episodes of American Idol: shit is supposed to get weird. I'm looking forward to seeing what Nick is like without his Santa shtick, but it got him a first rose.
Nick V: COME BACK, LITTLE SHEBA! COME BACK!