As Rachel walks around her hometown, we see she has an adorable dog that’s made even more adorable by its little limp and doggie cast. I swear, this woman just keeps getting cooler by the minute! Then they show her doing lawyery-things. ABC is really driving it home— Rachel is an INTELLECTUAL. And don’t you forget it!
The first guy we meet is Kenny. He’s a pro wrestler, which already makes me uncomfortable. I’m just not about the mental stress of having a husband who beats people up/gets beaten up for a living. Especially not wearing those little banana hammocks and little elf shoes. Nothing about that is sexy to me. He seems nice enough though, and I know since he’s introduced first he’ll at least make it past the first rose ceremony. And then. AND THEN. He reveals he has a kid. Bye. Like, I’m sick of living in a world where I’m dubbed an asshole for not just automatically liking kids, or for liking a person because they HAVE a kid. **Cough cough Amanda Stanton** I’m a server. I see kids with shitty parents and weep for the future, knowing they’ll grow up to be the same shitty people their parents are. Now to be fair, Kenny’s daughter seems really sweet, but also these are Rachel’s best years, and she doesn’t need to launch herself into motherhood.
Then there’s Jack. Jack has a dead mom, so I’m in love with him already. He has a kind smart face. The end.
Then we have this Indian guy whose name I didn’t write down who works for a startup company and he reeks of douchebag. As much as he annoyed me initially, I’m really pulling for an extremely awkward Bollywood date where ABC tries (and fails) to be inclusive and PC.
Then we have Lucas AKA “Waboom.” He describes himself as “affable.” But the truth is, with his annoying screaming of the word “Waboom!” (Patent pending!), he could not in fact be LESS affable. I know he’s the crazy Lace of this season, and a producer will make him stay, but given that he’s not even hot and weird, just plain old weird, I take issue. Also, he’s like Thomas Ravenel from Southern Charm’s cousin that went away to juvy and was never spoken to/of ever again.
Blake is next on the roster. I keep staring at him waiting to find him attractive and lo, it never comes. He reveals that he's into sex, and does lots of weird stretches. I can already tell he’s a “manly man”, and will have to prove his masculinity in silly ways.
Next up is ANOTHER lawyer named Josiah. A girl from Texas marrying a guy with a biblical name could definitely work. There’s a hilarious moment where he’s being filmed “lawyering”, and he’s on the phone saying “He’s a bad guy. We’re gonna get him off the streets.” Do you think he went to improv class? Or was that a producer’s brilliant spur-of-the-moment writing skills? Anywho, I sure was convinced. Josiah got his sob story released early, when we found out his brother hung himself. It got supremely dark when he was forced to stand there and look up at the tree (see: the cover of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein for reference). Like, it’s a horrible thing he went through, and now we’re gonna make him awkwardly stand there and stare at the tree? Uncalled for. Sad. DARK.
Next, we get to have a little kiki with the gals that know Rachel the BEST! That’s right! Not her mom or her siblings, but girls from the last season! Practical strangers she lived with in a mansion to compete for Nick Viall and his lispy affection! I don’t fully remember who was in this scene, but Corn showed up, and unlike Rachel, has NOT gotten a brand new weave. In fact, she looks more like a Ukrainian hooker than ever and I am living for it. Raven goes on to say “It’s so ex-sah-ting…” (“exciting” with her accent). She trails off, and we know she’s dead inside. Not bitter, just dead. Not Mrs. Nick Viall or Ms. TheBachelorette. Poor sweet Raven— you can and will do better.
So now we get to the mansion. I won’t write about Chris Harrison because all I can say is he looks like this kid Jared I went to high school with who didn’t invite me to his and his twin brother’s bar mitzvah. Both Jared and Chris Harrison and Jared’s twin are really rich and smiley and are basically the same person year in and year out.
The first guy out of the limo is Peter. Peter is 30, and from beer/cheese heaven, Wisconsin. Hip, Madison, Wisconsin to be exact. He’s MAD hot, has a great well-fitted plaid blazer, and says in his confessional “We both have gap teeth.” So I mean, there you have it. We know he’s here for the right reasons.
Later we meet Bryan, who’s a hot skinny Joey Fatone knockoff who speaks SPANISH. Sold. He’s Columbian and Rachel basically is like “Wow this guy is mad hot I need to get laid by him but I’m a lady and an INTELLECTUAL.” and I’m like “SOMEONE GET KAITLYN BRISTOWE IN HERE AND HAVE HER SHOW HER HOW IT’S DONE!!!!”.
Adam is mad hot. You know what’s not hot? The fact that he waltzed in with a french-speaking puppet named Adam Jr. (AJ for short), reminiscent of that little doll in the shitty movie “The Boy”. You have to love when ABC edits in the goofy circus music, like when Lace used to get wasted. It’s ABC saying “This is silly! Look how SILLY this is! And totally unplanned!”
Then we have a super spicy storyline that’s kind of like when Laurie dates Amy in Little Women. Rachel’s ex CAMPER shows up! His name is Frederick and he’s very cute and things are tense and strange. Maybe they’ll have a camp-themed date and make friendship bracelets together? And like, chop wood?
Blake who likes sex gets annoyed with Lucas “Waboom” Ravenel and doesn’t believe he’s here for the right reasons. Blake is gonna be the bitchy one this season, like Derek in Jojo’s season. He’s gonna be so busy trying to take down the “other guys that Rachel is gonna be like “ew you’re annoying” except she’ll be kind and graceful about it because she’s perfect. However, I do feel personally closer to Blake knowing he has a judgy bitchy side, because like, have we met?
Rachel lets some guys go I wasn’t expecting. Like that super hot Asian guy and poor sweet blubbering Milton. Hot Joey Fatone (Bryan) gets the first impression rose. Thank GOD for that, too, because I want these two to procreate ASAP.
The first episode dragged a little for me. I was bored, but keep in mind, guys. This is merely the exposition. Merely the beginning of our Bachelorette journey together. Keep checking in for recaps!